So I've Been Thinking

It seems as if every so often I get in what I call my pensive moods. I don't know if it's a every few months or once a year thing. I don't know if it's just a certain time of year, or if it's like my "cycle", know what I mean?

But I get in these moods. Reflective moods. When I think about my past, my present, my future. Times when I'm more inclined to write thoughtful things. Times when I want to write a poem that will change the way people think, and yet, am unable to put my mood into words. Like I'm still trying to find my voice.

And now, I'm in one of those kind of phases. I miss the days when I used to spend all night talking with my friends about the things that mattered to us. Don't get me wrong. Sarah and I actually do that quite a bit. But I miss that male camaraderie.

I wonder how long it has been since I've had a really close male friend. Someone that I really let in, you know? This may be a surprise to some of you, but I have a tendency to keep people at arm's length. Oh I talk about what's on my mind...but not the deep things. The things that scare me, or the things I think would scare others. I haven't been very forthcoming with any guy friend in quite some time.

Why? Is it just that I haven't felt like there was anyone I could trust? Did I feel like I had to be someone else...someone important or all together? I just wish I could find a friend who shared similar interests that I could really talk to...someone I could be me around, and not Josh the mature fellow. Not Josh, the therapist. I wish I had someone I could lean on.

There are people I can talk to, people I could share my feelings with. But what would be cool is to have someone who would listen, and not give me a lecture. Well...not give me a lecture that felt like a lecture, you know? Someone who would talk to me as a friend, being honest, but not intimidating.

I'm whining. So it's time to tie it up. Put it back in the bag.

But hey...if the person I need to talk to is reading this: HELP. Please?

The Switch

I just did one of the saddest things I ever have had to do.

Okay, so that's not entirely true. But it was pretty sad.

I just moved contacts from one email address to another.

That may not sound so sad to you, but you're not getting the full picture.

Some of the contacts didn't make it.

I know, I know...never leave a man behind and all that. But that's just what I did. I left some behind.

Why?

I felt like it was better to pick the few that I may actually email once in awhile instead of saving all of the random addresses I've picked up over the years. The thing is, some of the contacts I didn't add to my new account are people I know. People I have loved. People who have meant the world to me.

People I would probably never email again.

I just wouldn't. I never emailed them really anyway.

See, if everyone just read my blog. *sigh*

It may sound shallow, but really, what was I going to do with all those contacts? And seeing as how I would have had to manually switch everyone of them...it wouldn't have been worth the effort to shift them all over.

But I did compromise. I sent most of them an email giving my new address and information.
See...now the ball's in my court. If they don't email me saying that they got my new address, or wish me luck on the move...well then...

They probably didn't want to keep in contact with me anyway. Right?

And so that's what I'm telling myself.

I still have time. I haven't deleted the old account yet. (Getting rid of Juno since we aren't using that for internet anymore, and I'd, like, have to pay for email. Yuck!) So maybe I'll change my mind and add a few more. But I doubt it.

'Cause that's they way the cookie crumbles.

Maintaining a Balanced Diet

I've forgotten what it was like to have to study for a test. It's not a whole lot of fun. And it's pretty time consuming. When you work full-time and have a family, it's even harder to find the time to squeeze it in.



Why am I studying? I am attempting to get licensed for Texas Life and Health Insurance. Once I get my license, I will start training for the Personal Banker position. That's right...I've been given the go ahead by the higher ups. I have the job, for all intents and purposes, as long as I pass my licensing test.



I'm very excited about the new position. It will be a new challenge. I'll have more one on one customer interaction. I'll have a higher base salary, with the potential of earning much more through commissions and reaching my sales goals. And...I'll have an office. (For some reason, I think this is one of the coolest things...silly, huh?)



What's this have to do with maintaining a balanced diet?



It would be so easy to study every free chance I have. The sooner I'm ready to take the test and pass it, the sooner I get into the position. But I need to make sure I make time for the Word. So far, I have been. I've committed to studying a chapter a day from my insurance work book. I need to be just as devoted to my study of the Word, something I have neglected as of late.

I actually had a really good study on Ephesians 5:22-27 yesterday. When I get a chance, I'll try to post it here.

Church Shopping

I never knew finding a new church would be so hard. We keep finding different places and going, "Gee, if we could just combine the teaching of here with the worship of there, and the preschool of this place with the heart for ministry with this place, we'd be set."

We've been the last few Sundays to Denton Bible Church. And this is mainly due to the fact that I know the teaching is solid, the preschool section rocks. Jack LOVES going to class. The songs are nice, but there just isn't that spirit of worship that we crave. So, if anyone reading this can suggest a good church in Denton...please feel free to tell us.

News On the Move

If you want to know what's been going on....click on the link.

http://crazycampbells.blogspot.com/

Reminders

I went to a Life Group on Wednesday night. We were talking about trials and what they mean, how we survive them, and all of that stuff. One of the verses we covered was 2 Peter 1:3-9.

"3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins."

The part that really snagged my attention was the last bit. I know that lately I haven't been making every effort to increase these. I feel like I have been being ineffective and unproductive.
So, according to verse nine, I've nearsighted, blind, and I've forgotten about Christ's sacrifice. Wow.

I mean, that's pretty hard-core, but it's true. Whenever we neglect or forget or get too busy or caught up in our lives to bother to try to add these things to our faith, we've forgotten what our Lord and Savior did for us. I guess Easter is as good a time as any to be reminded.

One of the reasons I'm thankful for moving up here is a potential revitalization of my relationship with the Lord. I've been struggling, you know? Been fighting with the Lord about "Me Time." My lunch breaks in College Stations have largely been time spent goofing off, reading comic books at Hastings or surfing the Web at the library or reading books not edifying to my walk with the Lord. Here in Decatur, there is no Hastings, no comic book shops. There's a library, but for the time being, I bet I'm not eligible for a card. So I have to actually slow down and take a minute to meet with my Lord. After all, what else can I do?

I think God brought me up here to slow me down. To take me away from distractions. Granted, part of the time I've been house hunting. But that search has been largely fruitless so far. So God has been teaching me some things:

Humility-
He humbled me the other night when He reminded me that I haven't been remembering Him. When I confessed this and vowed to do better, He talked to me about some other pride issues I was having. One was this blog. I think part of the reason I start to blog is so someone will post about how clever or smart or even how insightfully spiritual I am. As you can see, I don't get many comments. Maybe that's because nobody's reading. Maybe it's because God's trying to say, "Hey, guess what? Life isn't about you. It's supposed to be about me."

And also He humbled me in another area. I briefly wondered how long it would take me to become a leader of one of these Life Groups if we were to join this particular church. God showed me I might have moved up to quickly in leadership at Living Hope. It was still too much about me, and not so much about Him. "Look at me, I can lead a Hope Group. Aren't I an amazing teacher?" Except I'm not so amazing. Watching this fellow lead at the Life Group, I realized how far I needed to go. This guy used his pastor's notes, asked the pastor's questions. And there was a great discussion. I was edified. It wasn't about dissecting the Word. It was about how can we use the Word to be closer to Christ, to be conformed in His image.

I think about how I was bound and determined not to use Butch's notes. Not because they weren't good, but because I thought it would be better to strike out on my own. I rationalized that we were using the Bible, so it didn't matter. And that's not poor logic. But what's wrong with revisiting the sermon, striving to apply it even more to our lives? Why didn't I study the sermon on my own even? I surely would have grown more, I think, had I done that.

And He reminded me that I hadn't done a good job being transparent. Sure I said I'd struggled to my brothers and sisters, but I don't think I really shared to what extent. I was too busy being "super leader guy." I had to be strong, not admit that maybe I wasn't ready for the mantle. Let's face it. I got saved in '02. I'm a five year old Christian. I may not be a baby anymore, but I'm surely not old enough yet. God had to show me that when I was ready to listen. So He's taken us away where we can start over. Because I couldn't admit to our church family that I wasn't ready. I was too prideful. So...any of you Living Hopers that read this:
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being self-sufficient. I'm sorry for breaking my covenant with you by not being faithful in my quiet time, faithful in my pursuit to grow closer to the Lord. I'm sorry for being rebellious and not confessing sin to you. I'm sorry for being a poor example, a sloppy leader, and an overall knucklehead. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Patience and dependence-
This whole home hunting thing has been driving me nuts. I want my family up here soon. And I want to know how it's going to work out. God is showing me that I need to rely on Him and I need to quit trying to figure it out. He has moved us up here. He already has a place in mind. I just need to remain actively seeking out where, but also I need to leave it in His hands and not be anxious about where it's going to be and when it's going to come about. The time I've been spending fretting over I should have been meeting with Him, seeking His counsel and His wisdom and His peace.

Thank You, Lord, for the reminders. Thank You for Your love, and Your patience with me.

Thank You Lord, for Easter, what it signifies. Without it, none of what You have been showing me would be possible at all.
JC

Barnes and Nobles by Way of Bedford and Baristas

Last night I decided I'd go hang out at Barnes and Nobles after I got off work. No problem, right? I mean, Sarah had given me pretty good directions after all. Armed with these, I left Sue's house a little after eight feeling sure within 15 minutes I'd be comfortably perusing books of all kinds. Boy, was I wrong.

Things were going pretty well at first. I had got onto Glenview like Sarah had told me. I was headed for what she said was either Grapevine Highway or Highway 26. Well, I passed a street called Boulevard 26, and I thought to myself, "This could be it." However, since I wasn't sure, I continued onward with the idea that if I didn't run into the right road soon, I would turn back. I didn't do that.

I actually found the mall. I stopped off at Sears and picked me up a much needed beard trimmer. Then, I figured since I went under 820 to get to the mall, I'd just stay on the frontage road, and it would take me back toward where the Barnes and Nobles was, since Sarah had said that I would be going under 820 to get to it.

Now, back in College Station, this mentality would be suitable. If you ride along 6, you will eventually get to the street exit that you need. This way of thinking proved to be my undoing. Little did I realize that when I had went under 820, I had also went under 121. It was this road that I rode alongside.

I drove along for awhile, then a little longer, and a little while longer, and I began to wonder why I hadn't started to at least see exits for streets that I recognized. I had seen a couple of "Now Entering" city signs, but I figured since I was on the other side of a highway in the Fort Worth area, that this was normal. It wasn't until I saw a sign for an exit leading towards the D/FW airport that I realized I had made a serious blunder. Now, for those of you who may know the Dallas/Ft Worth area, you may have been encouraged by such a recognizable landmark. I, however, have no idea where the airport is in conjuction with where I wanted to be. I had no map. I had no idea how to even get back to 820. (I had seen signs on the frontage road saying essentially "This way to 121." I thought that it was just one of those things when highways get called different names because they merge for awhile. Like 287 and 81, for example. In my defense, I did think it odd that I didn't see any 820 signs.)

So what did I do? I did what any self respecting coffee drinker would do. I stopped off at Starbucks to ask for directions. This is the transcript of that encounter.

Barista: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: "Great, thanks."
Barista: "How can I help you?"
Me: "Well, I'm the guy you're going to laugh at later. I'm lost. Can I get a tall order of directions, no whip cream?"

When I asked him where I was, he looked at me somewhat blankly, (I imagine he was trying not to laugh) and said,
"Bedford."
Well, that didn't tell me much, but I didn't want to press my luck so I didn't ask, "And where is that, exactly?"

I was still actually pretty fortunate. The barista lived in Haltom City, so he was able to direct me back in that direction. However....

See, I usually have this impeccable sense of direction. You know, east from west, north from south. Well. I got a little confused on the way back. I got to 820 just fine. I even found a street that I recognized. I took that exit, still determined to find Barnes and Nobles. I figured I would just take Rufe Snow back to Glenview, and I'd head back toward Boulevard 26. No problem. Except that I should have gone back over 820, but instead turned right at the exit. In my defense, I argued that I got into this mess by going under 820...when I got on to 121 which took me to 380, I went under it. So...in my mind, going over 820 would put me going in the wrong dirrection from Glenview. I was wrong.

A few miles down the road, I figured I should have hit Glenview by now. So I pick up the cell and call Sarah.
"Does Rufe Snow intersect with Bear Creek BEFORE it hits Glenview, or am I going in the wrong direction?"

"Where are you?"

"I wish I knew."

Needless to say, I turned around, went all the way back to 380, crossed it, and found my way to Glenview. It was about 9:45. I decided I would find Barnes and Nobles if it killed me.

I got to Boulevard 26, I went under 820 and I saw the Office Depot, just like Sarah said I would. I became excited. I turned right, just like she said. I kept going down this street looking for Barnes and Nobles on the left. I passed all kinds of cool stuff, but I didn't see the Barnes and Nobles. Finally, I crossed under a couple of roads. Know what they were? 820 and 121. AAAAAAHHHH! There was the mall where I had taken the wrong turn an hour or so ago. Was I stuck in the twilight zone? This time, I followed the impulse I should have followed to begin with. I turned back around and went the way I had come. I called Sarah.

"Was I supposed to turn left or right in front of the Office Depot?"

"Where are you?"

"I see a Bennigans, but no Barnes and Nobles."

"You are on the right street. Barnes and Nobles is across from Bennigans."

Okay...except I didn't see it. I passed by this shopping center on the right, but I couldn't make out any of the stores. I turned around, still on the phone...

"I don't see the Barnes and Nobles."

"It's in the shopping center."

"Is it hidden?"

"Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that?"

Five minutes later I was inhaling the delightful aroma of books and coffee. Barnes and Nobles. Almost Heaven. If I would have heard a Hallelujah chorus, and seen a bright light, I might not have been surprised. I may not have ever been to this particular store before, but I sure felt at home.

So, it took me almost two hours to get there. How long did it take me to get home? Fifteen minutes, because I went back exactly the way that I came. Thank God for good directions. :)

Decatur Day Two

Who would have thought that I'd be able to blog at work? Apparently this branch has internet access. Some sites we can't access, like my juno account. But I can read blogs and I can post blogs. Yippee!

So things are going pretty well. I like the people I work with. I don't know if they are all believers, but they are all pretty much church-goers. Some are actually pretty active. Finding a church here may not be that hard after all.

The branch is pretty low-key. Not nearly as busy as College Station. If you need an example of low-key, I just had a lady come in with some rolled coin. At my old branc, we'd either have to run it through the coin machine, or hand count it. There is no coin machine here, so I asked if I needed to count it. They said, "Nope, if it's rolled, it's good." I said, "What if they're short?" 'It'll come out in the wash, " was the response. See what I mean?

The customers are primarly down home country folk, which is just fine by me.

The view is beautiful. One of the things I was concerned about with the move was whether or not I'd like the area. Not the people, or the town, but the environment. And it's gorgeous. From the parking lot of the branch, I see the rolling hills dotted with trees. It isn't a flat, non-tree prairie land. Praise the Lord!!!

Speaking of praising the Lord, we sold our trailer. We haven't worked out the details yet, so I'm not saying any more than that, but still...that's half our battle right there. Now we just have to find a place to live. That's a big battle, so prayers are coveted.

All in all...it's going to be a good thing, moving up here. I've already seen opportunities to minister. I don't know how those will play out yet, but I know they are there.

That's all for now. I could ramble, but why would you want to read ramblings?

Adios College Station

My last day at College Station has passed. In a few minutes, I'm getting ready to pack up and leave for Fort Worth. On Monday, I start at the new branch. Crazy.

We still haven't sold the trailer, or arranged to move it. We don't have a place to put if we did. We don't have a place nailed down if we sell it. That's all in the Lord's hands right now. Thanks be to Him that His hands are big enough to hold it.

Am I sad? Not as much as I had anticipated. I keep trying to conjure up those..."So I'm leaving College Station" feelings, but so far...I'm just excited. It's an adventure. I can't say I'm stoked about the no place yet to live part, but since we get to stay with Sarah's mom...well, I don't have to sweat that too much.

So...goodbye College Station. It's been a great nine and a half years.

Division is Subtraction

A co-worker asked me not long ago why there are so many denominations in Christianity. I thought about it for a moment and answered, basically, that they were divided upon certain theological arguments. I'm no expert on the different denominations here in America, so that was the best answer I could give him. I mean, aside from a few that preach false gospels, the rest believe pretty much the same thing. Don't they? I know that there are a couple that claim that they are the "true" Church, and all others are pretenders. It's also my understanding that these few are also the ones that teach falsely. But if that's the case, I still have to wonder about the rest of them.

I got to reading in 1 Corinthians today. And I've read this passage before, and thought pretty much the same thing. So I guess I'm throwing it out here and see if I can get any body else's view on it.

1 Corinthians 1:10-13 says, "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, 'I follow Paul; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another, 'I follow Cephas (or Peter)'; still another, 'I will follow Christ.' Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul? "

See, normally when I hear division mentioned, and I think of fighting amongst believers, I tend to think of bickering and quarrelling that family members often do. You know, squabbling over trivial things, being mad and not getting over it, etc. etc. But in this case, Paul says that the division is coming about over who they were following. Right? Is that what happens today? I mean Lutherans are named after Luther, Methodists are followers of John Wesley. Some folks are Calvenists, some folks are not.

These guys were all great men, just like Paul, Peter, and the other apostles were. But if first century believers were exhorted not to claim to be followers of men, why do we do it today? No doubt that Wesley, Luther, and Calvin were great theologians. I guess I don't understand all that much how they differed. Didn't they all agree that it was Christ who was crucified for us? That He is the only way to be reconciled with God? That it is only through a faith relationship with Him that we can be saved?

And now we have denominations. Makes me think of math. All of the true denominations should have a common denominator, Christ, right? But what the world sees is a bunch of different people arguing over who is right. They see that we can't agree with one another and be united in like mind. To me, that's a huge subtraction to our witness in this world.

I should be doing something Constructive

I'm sitting here at the computer while my son naps and my wife, daughter, and mother-in-law have gone to the store to buy our sleeping child a birthday cake. I should be doing something constructive. I should be either looking for places to live in Decatur, or I should be using one of my God given talents and writing something that may actually make some money some day. But what am I doing? I keep playing this stupid rogue game that I can't ever get anywhere on. It's a complete waste of my time. Why is it lately that things that are, if not a complete waste of time, at the very least not at all good stewardship of time, are the things that I attempt to consume most of my time?

You know, I could even be using this time for quiet time. Imagine that. I console myself with the fact that I'm at listening to Christian music right now.

But the truth is, I don't even feel like playing my stupid game right now. See, I'm blogging instead. I just feel so...blah...for want of a better expression. I've been sick, which is still really no excuse.

And now I'm wasting even more time, because I'm not saying anything relevant or important or even spiritual. Not that anyone ever really reads what I have here. Heh. That was a self pity remark if I ever heard one. And I'll leave it. Why? Well...aren't I supposed to be honest here?

So I don't have anything else to say. A bunch of random things are clanging around in my head, but I think I'm going to go to Crosswalk.com and at least make an attempt to add something worthwhile to my day.

Moving On

I'm leaving. On a midnight train to...Decatur.

Okay...so it isn't exactly a midnight train, but we are leaving pretty quick. March 30 is my last day at the branch I work at now. April 2 is my first day at the branch in Decatur.
Why am leaving? Why am I going to Decatur? ("Where's that?" some of you may ask.)
I'm not getting a promotion, and I will probably not see an increase in pay. I will remain a teller for Citibank. So why am I leaving? Why am I uprooting my family and leaving a wonderful church to go to Decatur, TX of all places?

Family. My mother lives in Oklahoma City. My sister lives in Pampa. (Another "where's that?" I'm sure. It's in the Texas Panhandle...currently an over eight hour drive.) Sarah's mom lives in Fort Worth, three of her sisters live in the Mansfield area. When we move to Decatur, we will live a little less than three hours from my mom, four hours from my sister, and around 45 minutes to an hour and a half away from Sarah's side.

We see Sarah's family somewhat often...not near as often as we like, but definitely more often than we see my side. We're lucky if we see my family twice a year. That's just not acceptable. I hate that it's like this big production every time we leave, or they leave. I hate that we have completely rearrange our schedules, ask days off of work, just to go see my family. My kids need their grandparents. And more importantly, they need us.

Sarah's big question was: How are we able to minister to our family from here? Phone calls once or twice a week just isn't enough. About a year and a half ago, my stepdad had surgery to have his hip replaced. No big deal normally. But there was a point where he'd lost a lot of blood, and it was touch and go for a bit. I couldn't go because we lived so far away. My mom's getting older, so is Dave. Sarah's sister Becky is about to have another baby. Sarah's mom has had surgery recently...We need to be closer.

Am I sad? I mean...I lived in this area for almost 10 years now. Moved down here January of 98. We have an awesome church family, great friends. I'm established. I can't go to the store now without running into someone I know. And College Station isn't huge...but Decatur is itty-bitty.

I don't know how I feel right now. Part of me is relieved in some sense. I do like change. We have been way busy as of late, and it may be nice not to have a zillion things to do every week.
But I am probably sad. I love this town. I love the trees. I love the smell when you drive into the area after being up in the Panhandle. It just smells green here. I love the people that have come into our lives. I love the people who have been family to us here, the people my children love almost as much as they love us. I love our pastor. I love the men and women I've gotten to serve with. I love the concept of Hope Groups and what a blessing they have been to us over the years.

My eyes water up saying this. I hope it's all worth it. Sarah has always felt like we weren't meant to live her indefinitely...well, obviously, but you know what I mean. Like, Living Hope was just a training ground...I don't know. As long as we can find people as full of love as the people we go to church with now, who love Christ, and live by His Word, we'll be alright. Everything else is pretty much secondary.

Screenplay

I know. I know. I haven't posted in awhile. Shame on me. Well, I'm trying to get into the habit of writing regularly, so maybe that will get me in the mood to post regularly. I have actually been doing some studying on Seeking God which I may put on here. But that's a subject for another day.

Today, I am telling you all that I am aspiring to be a screenwriter. And I have four pages under my belt so far in two days of writing. I've had an excellent idea for quite some time, but I was never sure how to go about writing it. Now, I've read some in a couple of books on how to get amatuer folks like me started on this stuff. One of the books recommend that a person should get on a writing schedule. One screenwriter, (a professional one, might I add) gets by writing two pages a day. The thing is, the average screenplay is anywhere between 80 to 120 pages long, with each page averaging about a minute worth of film. See how that works? And, if I keep on schedule, continously writing two pages a day, then I'll be done with my first draft in a couple of months. Sounds pretty cool, huh?

So pray for me. Pray that I'll follow through. That I won't get bored, stuck, or discouraged. I need to finish this project. If I don't, I may lose confidence in my ability to do it. And this story NEEDS to be told.

Want to know more about it? Well, you'll have to wait. That means I need you to keep encouraging me to finish so you can read it. Fair enough?

Alright...enough blogging for now.
Keep the faith, and keep traveling.

Oranges and Pearls

I’ve recently made a discovery. I often approach life much like I approach oranges. Sounds a little odd, doesn’t it? Let me explain. You see, I like oranges. I’d even go so far as to say it’s one of my five favorite fruits. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve passed up eating one more often that I’ve actually indulged.
Why? I mean that’s the question, isn’t it? As I said, it isn’t as if I dislike them. It’s often hard to beat the sticky sweetness of an orange. I love its flavor! The texture doesn’t bother me. I don’t even really mind how messy they can be. Man, I even love the way they smell. So why, if I’m so fond of oranges, am I so often reluctant to eat them?
Here’s the answer. I hate peeling them. No really, I do. Hate. It. Seems to me like it shouldn’t be so hard to unpack something you want to eat. So why do I hate to peel oranges? It takes so long. And it’s not like it’s easy to get a good peel going. Most of the time you have to take off piece by itty-bitty piece. And have you ever tried to eat one without peeling it? If not, don’t try. It’s disgusting. Ruins the whole experience.
Now, I know there are other fruits, such as the pineapple or the coconut, that are almost impossible to eat without the help of a very sharp object. I mean, there’s no way you could open one of them with just your fingers. (Although once, while watching Animal Planet, I saw a dog crack open a coconut with his teeth.) Sure, you can cut an orange into neat little sections with a knife, and eat the pulp off the rind. Like you would with a watermelon or a cantaloupe. It’s just not the same. Besides, I can’t get all the fruit when I eat it that way. Have you ever noticed that? You don’t get to enjoy the whole orange. No, God designed oranges to be peeled before eating. Probably so people like me can learn life lessons from it.
So you see now, right? I look at an orange, and though I would really love to eat one, it just seems like so much work. There have been times when I’ve been hungry, not “starving” hungry mind you, just “gee, I’d really like a snack right now” hungry, and have picked up an orange. I’d give it a once over, imagined how good it would taste, and then put it back down, choosing not to eat at all rather than put in the effort to skin a stupid orange.
How does this relate to my other everyday affairs? My struggle with the orange peeling process reveals an ugly character flaw that is evident in other areas of my life. I’m lazy. That’s the plain and simple truth. I’m not always lazy, and not even in everything that counts. But it’s true, nonetheless. To be honest, I’ve known this for quite awhile, but I didn’t fully understand how insidiously laziness had invaded my life until the other day.
I was on my lunch break. My lovely wife, whom God has so graciously provided me, had packed that morning a sandwich and an orange for me to eat. Finances have been a little tight, so that was it. Granted, this little meal would’ve been ample enough food to tide me over until dinnertime. After I finished my sandwich, I sat there for a moment looking at my orange, knowing I was still a little hungry. But I set the orange aside, hoping I’d be able to mooch food off of one of my co-workers later in the day, and began my ritualistic lunchtime Bible study.
God was nice. He let me read for a little bit before He convicted me. I even remember getting a little bit from what I’d read. Then, I started to think about that orange again. There it was, sitting on the table, looking oh so almost edible wrapped up in the package I seemed so determined not to free it from. “Why?” whispered a still small voice, “Why don’t you want to peel it? Don’t you want to eat it? Aren’t you still hungry?” So my conversation with God began.
Having you ever tried to argue something trivial with God? I don’t recommend it. He wins pretty much every time. It’s that sometimes irritating trait of His. You know, always being right. Because He is, you know? Always right. But I tried to show Him my logic anyway. “It just takes so long, you know,” I whined to Him in my head.
I said a few other things to Him, mostly what I’ve already pointed out to you. He wasn’t having it. He was patient, let me go through my spiel and everything. And then, in a very gentle, yet very firm way, He told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was being lazy. I could give as many reasons as I wanted. But essentially, that’s what it boiled down to. Do you know what else? It wasn’t the first time He’s told me this either.
A few months ago, I was enjoying a particularly good worship service when He decided to take me in a completely different direction. I mean I was having a good time, singing my heart out with my eyes closed and all of that. God picked that moment to remind me that procrastination is just another form of laziness. Talk about coming out of left field! The sermon hadn’t touched on that subject at all! It was weird! I remember breaking stride and thinking, “What’s that have to do with anything?” I sensed a little gentle throat clearing. “Laziness is a sin you know.” “Oh. Yeah it is, huh?” “Isn’t it time you started working on it?”
After the service ended, I told people about what God had showed me that day. I had even vowed to work on it, to strive to stop procrastinating. I haven’t really made much headway. So God, in His infinite wisdom, decided to use an orange to remind me where I stand. He even took it a step further. You see, most of the time, people put off things they don’t want to do. I procrastinate chores and honey-dos all the time. That’s what God showed me during the service. But what God showed me with the orange is this: I’m pretty lazy about things I kind of like as well.
For instance, I want to write. I’ve told people over and over again how much I would like to be a writer, how I’m full of all these great story ideas. I get inspired to write little essays like this one all the time, but I hardly ever follow through. Mostly, I give excuses like, “I don’t have a lot of time to write.” Or “I’m not really sure I know how to write” or “I’m not sure I’m that good of a writer” or “I don’t know really how to start.”
The truth is that I’m too lazy to give it a go most of the time. Which is crazy! I really do like to write. It’s actually the way I believe I express myself best. Talking to people just provides them an opportunity to interrupt, but with writing, I can just bombard them with as many words as I see fit. Doesn’t necessarily mean people read them all, but at least I can say all that I have to say.
Another area in which I often display my lazy streak is with the Lord. I love Him, you know? I do. I realize that without Jesus, I’m lost. I know He’s the only way I can be right with God. We have a relationship. I’m just not very good at maintaining my end of it. I want to get to know Him more. I want to enjoy His presence. But I don’t ever seem to make time for it. He showed me this reality with the orange.
I frequently make excuses for the lack of time I spend with Jesus. Prayer is one of the areas in which I have the least amount of discipline. I pray, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t start out my days with Him. I don’t spend a lot of quality time with Jesus. I read the Bible just about every day. But I don’t always talk to Him about what I’ve read. I don’t hang out with Him as much as I should. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying He requires we meet with Him daily. As if I have to fill a quota of Jesus time, or He won’t love me anymore, or that I’ll all the sudden lose the free gift He’s given me. Jesus is not an Indian-giver. His love doesn’t depend upon mine.
I’m beginning to see most of my excuses don’t really hold water. Especially when you hold them up to the Lord God Most High. They all look pretty flimsy when exposed in His light. And so I’m forced to examine this question. If I love Him, if I want to get to know Him more, why don’t I make time for Him? My wife has told me on a few occasions that if we truly love something, if we truly desire to do something, if something is truly important to us, we change our priorities for it. But I’m lazy, and I don’t always love Him enough to put forth the effort it takes to quit being so selfish.
I’m impatient. I want a relationship with God. I want to know Him better, but I don’t want to take the time to peel through the things in my life that get in the way. I just sit there sometimes wishing there was easier way to get to Him, to get to the meat. You know? Like I want my own personal peeler, so I can just sit back and enjoy the fruit of my labor, without the labor.
As I sit here and contemplate the oranges of my life, I’m reminded of a story. Ever heard the Parable of the Pearl of Great Price? It talks about this pearl merchant who goes around looking for beautiful pearls. When he finds one of great value, he sells everything he has to get it. Everything. Wow! Now, I’m not trying to compare an orange or my writing to the Kingdom of Heaven. There is no real comparison. But there’s a general principle involved I’ve been missing. And it is this: If something is of value to you, it’s worth sacrificing other things to have.
So I have to ask these questions. How much do I really like to eat oranges? How bad do I really want to write? Is an intimate relationship with my Lord worth enough to me that I would put more time and energy into deepening it? There are myriad of different questions I could ask about a dozen different scenarios in my life. When am I going to prove that these things are really important to me?By the way, I ate the orange that day. It may not have been a pearl, but it was pretty good. Didn’t even take me that long to peel. And look, I’ve written quite a bit today. I might even take the time to revise some. (I did.) Who knows? Maybe I’m starting a new trend. From an eternal perspective, I sure hope so.

Permanent Vacation

Today, I got to go play with my family at a local park. There is this Splash Pad located in this particular park. A Splash Pad is basically a place to play in the water, without having to get in a pool. It's actually quite fun.

That's not my point. I got to watch my son play today. He actually played this time! It was so much fun getting to watch him run over and over again through these water mist rings. They were about the only thing he felt comfortable playing in for any length of time.

Anyway, made me wish I didn't have to work. That I could just spend time with my family more. Unfortunately, that can't happen. Grrr. Oh well. That's life.

On Growing Up

So I am thirty-one as of yesterday. The first question my wife asked was: Do you feel older?
Not really, you know? Although she did find a couple of white hairs on my chest. And how does that make me feel? Truth be told, I don't know.

See, here's the thing. I complain a lot about getting older, but I still don't really feel like a grown-up. I should. I know that I should. And sometimes I guess I do. Depends, I suppose, who I am talking to. I do have a tendency to refer to people more than a couple of years younger to me as "kids." But I still don't feel like an adult. Why?

I bet if I were to get over that, to start feeling grown-up, I might actually start to act like one once in awhile. Sure would help me be a more effective leader in my home. I just don't know if I'm ready to cross that threshold all the way. I guess I figure once both feet on on the ADULT side of the door, there's no going back. Just call me Peter Pan, I guess.

There are moments in life where you get to catch a glimpse of God's hand at work. We, my family and I, have recently been privy to one such occasion.

You know, I've been going through a season of doubt. Not necessarily faith destroying, going back to your old lifestyle kind of doubts, but just those little ones, that eat away at your joy.
I don't make a lot of money, if one gauges by American standards. In comparison to the majority of the world, I'm rich. In America, we make below the poverty line. What's that tell you about our society?

Anyway, as the man of the house, it's my responsibility to see to it that things get done. (Or so I thought.) We've had some issues come up, some unforeseen, some we should have been prepared for, that have drained us financially. There are things that need to be done that we just haven't had the money for.

Like our air conditioning breaking. They wanted $1,400 in cash up front to fix it. Who has that kind of money lying around? But God provided.

First, He provided through my co-workers, who bought us a window unit. We put that in our babies room on Thursday. On Friday, God provided two more window units. And then, on Saturday, we got a letter in the mail that had money with it. A lot of money.

And see, here I had been crying out to God, wondering how we were going to get all this stuff done. And He showed up. Will the money take care of everything? No. But it's a start. And He has proven, once again, that's He's faithful.

Plus, He's teaching me how to be a good steward of the money He does give us. I'm thankful for that.

There's a lot more I could say, but I'm just going to have to end right now on this.

God is good, all the time. He's always at work around us...even when we can't see what He's doing. Maybe now my eyes will be a little more open to the blessings He bestows.

God is good!

Let me just tell you...God is good. I mean, just last night I was bemoaning the unfairness of things, and now...He went and did something amazing. Okay, so I still don't have central heat and air, but my co-workers bought my family a window unit. With the help of a good friend, we got it installed this evening. And now at least my babies can sleep in a cooler room.

It was actually pretty cool how it happened. I didn't even see it coming. My boss came back to where I work, asked me to step outside for a moment. I thought I was in trouble! When I stepped outside, I saw that they had purchased me a little cooling unit, and a pool for my kids. It really touched me, you know? I was humbled and grateful all in one fell swoop.
God is good.
I just thought I'd let you know.

And So It Begins...
I've attempted and aborted so many journals in my life, it's safe to say this one won't last long. Perhaps this is a passing fancy, perhaps not. What makes me think I've got anything worth while to say? Why should I take up any amount of space here in this cybervoid? Do I have anything to offer? Any insights to share?

These are questions I find myself asking as I attempt to begin. Maybe these questions will be answered. Maybe they won't. Maybe others will read it...maybe they won't. What form this blog shall take, I do not know. Will it be a spiritual journey? A blog listing my day to day events? Who knows? I can say that, with me, my day to day events are often tied up in the spiritual.

Like today. Our air conditioning is out. My truck won't start. And we've no money to spare to fix either one. So I sit here, sweating, staying up far too late because it's really too hot to sleep. And I'm wondering...what is God trying to teach me through this?

It's funny really, in it's own way. See, I'm the guy who gets to give folks "spiritual" advice. You know, like reminding folks that they should count it all joy when they encounter trials of all kinds. I tell my friend, who is constantly struggling with God, that he shouldn't be angry at God for not giving him what he wants. And here am I, out some modern conveniences, and I'm wondering what I did to deserve this. You know, like...am I being punished or something? Is God really trying to teach me some sort of perserverance, or is He showing me my blatant lack of faith?
Both?

I don't know. Something you should know. I ask lots of questions, and am often unable to answer them. If that sort of introspective writing strikes your fancy, well, then you've come to the right place. Sometimes, I get insights. Sometimes I just spin my wheels, having no clue about what's going on.

And this is my life. Here I will be honest, or at least as honest as I allow myself to be. Sometimes we even deceive ourselves. And you get to see me muddle through things. Isn't that exciting? Ha!

I welcome your insights, your encouragements, if you have any. If, by some small chance, something I say or am going through resonates with you, let me know. Maybe if I see that my posts are benefiting someone, I'll continue. Instead of worrying about wasting space.

Are you ready for the ride?