Thursday, July 05, 2007

So I've Been Thinking

It seems as if every so often I get in what I call my pensive moods. I don't know if it's a every few months or once a year thing. I don't know if it's just a certain time of year, or if it's like my "cycle", know what I mean?

But I get in these moods. Reflective moods. When I think about my past, my present, my future. Times when I'm more inclined to write thoughtful things. Times when I want to write a poem that will change the way people think, and yet, am unable to put my mood into words. Like I'm still trying to find my voice.

And now, I'm in one of those kind of phases. I miss the days when I used to spend all night talking with my friends about the things that mattered to us. Don't get me wrong. Sarah and I actually do that quite a bit. But I miss that male camaraderie.

I wonder how long it has been since I've had a really close male friend. Someone that I really let in, you know? This may be a surprise to some of you, but I have a tendency to keep people at arm's length. Oh I talk about what's on my mind...but not the deep things. The things that scare me, or the things I think would scare others. I haven't been very forthcoming with any guy friend in quite some time.

Why? Is it just that I haven't felt like there was anyone I could trust? Did I feel like I had to be someone else...someone important or all together? I just wish I could find a friend who shared similar interests that I could really talk to...someone I could be me around, and not Josh the mature fellow. Not Josh, the therapist. I wish I had someone I could lean on.

There are people I can talk to, people I could share my feelings with. But what would be cool is to have someone who would listen, and not give me a lecture. Well...not give me a lecture that felt like a lecture, you know? Someone who would talk to me as a friend, being honest, but not intimidating.

I'm whining. So it's time to tie it up. Put it back in the bag.

But hey...if the person I need to talk to is reading this: HELP. Please?